The Hunt

A successful hunt today. I may be cold, tired, hungry, and cranky but I came home with 8 new pairs of pants.

I loathe clothes shopping, doing as much online as I can. But I need to try pants on. By last fall my pants situation was becoming desperate. I still did not get around to shopping before the holidays. I sure as hell was not going to go on Thanksgiving weekend, nor any time before Christmas, nor during the crowded January sales. Where clothes shopping is concerned, I can embroider excuses out of thin air. Then I was sick off and on last winter, spring, and summer. Mind you during this time I was able to work and take care of sheep and dogs, but my intermittent health status provided an excellent excuse.

I tried a run to the mall a couple weeks ago, leaving straight from feeding sheep. I had thrown a clean set of shoes into the van for the occasion. On the first trip into the dressing room I noticed that everything I touched was covered with hair. I decided to bail out of courtesy to others, and of course because I did not want to be there anyway.

Today I made a mission out of pants shopping. I crawled out from under my rock and learned a whole new vocabulary relating to pants. Pants are now “Skinny” or “Super Skinny”. There is also something called “jeggings” which look just like the skinny pants. I hate tight clothing. More’s to the point, WTF do I need skinny jeans at the barn for? Will the sheep be checking out my ass? And how is one supposed to get a pair of long johns on under these skinny pants? Jeans are now often “distressed”. To be clear, the reason I’m retiring my jeans is because they are truly distressed, to the point I need to be careful to wear nice undergarments and shave my legs. Apparently the appropriate place for jeans to be “distressed” is on the front of the thigh. I have news for you, fashionistas, real women have jeans that are distressed between the thighs, something that would be obvious if you were not using models whose thighs have never touched. The few times my jeans have been torn on the front of the thigh have involved blood, and once stitches. If you want your distressed jeans to look authentic, try adding some blood stains.

The office pants were not much better. Again, the styles were mostly “skinny”, which means if you don’t want to wear them like leggings you need to buy a larger size. This larger size leaves gaps around your body, and some have little side pouches on the thighs like old fashioned jodhpurs. Maybe I should just buy tall black boots and walk around the office with a riding crop. Probably would send the wrong message. I’m not overly thrilled with my choices on work pants, but hoping they soften to a better fit with washing.

Three stores and countless sarcastic thoughts later I was standing in my last checkout line when my tired and hungry body decided on a full out hot flash. WTF? It took all my willpower not to just drop the four pairs of Levis and escape to the blissful cold rain outside, heading straight home to eat. I persevered, determined to go home with enough of a haul to keep me out of the store for at least a year.