My cancer will not kill me.
This is not because of my optimism, determination or mental
strength. It is not because people
prayed for me to a god who apparently makes choices based on popularity. I will survive because I was fortunate enough
to get this particular cancer at a time when science has developed extremely
effective treatments. I will survive
because I have sufficient health insurance to pay for the treatment. I’m not a warrior fighting cancer. I’m lucky.
We want simple answers.
Life should be merely a matter of optimism, or trying harder, or
determination, or being more kind. We
embrace slogans about good outcomes being a matter of decision, as if we're all
at the same place. Instead reality is
complex, as much a matter of luck and circumstance as one’s ability to apply
whatever virtues they may have. The
mental and emotional squalor of reality is not vulnerable to bumper sticker
slogans. This is not a Hallmark
movie.
Simplistic positivity belittles the magnitude of problems in
any one individual's life. “You’ve got
this” in response to a personal crisis is an insult to the complexity of our
lives, either naïve or patronizing. A
friend facing disease, a personal loss, or a financial crisis may not be able
to overcome.
Let
people have their bad times. No amount
of fluency in feel good slogans or personal experience with your own problems
qualifies you to decide when someone else should move on to acceptance or “snap
out of it”. Denying bad times is denying
reality. Some days I just look at
reality and let it sink in. Not a happy
place, but that's the best I'm getting out of those days. And sometimes those dark days help me make
decisions that are ultimately helpful (or not).
I can usually conjure up some anger, which helps. There is a line in Don Quixote, sung by
Aldonza: "Can't you see what your
gentle insanities do to me? Rob me of
anger and give me despair." Anger
works for me, but to believe someone else need only summon fury to get them
motivated is disrespectful to the individual that they are.
I've had people to rail to as well, precious people who are
willing to accept me at my worst. The
word fuck is key to my survival. As in
"Fuck all this happy 'You got this' shit." And "fuck this situation." I think a lot of the happy mantras are based
on accepting your current situation.
Fuck that.
Not accepting the role of courageous warrior with a Teflon
smile does not mean I’m not coping with my reality. Indeed accepting that role, while more
socially comfortable for people interacting with me, would mean I’m not coping
with my situation. I’d be living a lie, trying
to build my future on an imaginary present.
Being frustrated, tired, angry, and depressed are as much a part of my
life as hope, courage, and thoroughly appreciating the occasional great day.
