Season Changes

I’ve noticed that season changes bring reflection on where I am, where I was last year, and where I’m going.  Perhaps I have always done this, but it is a richer experience since my leukemia diagnosis last May.  Each new season changes the physical world, marking the passage of time in a way I cannot deflect.  My difficulty tolerating the medication coupled with my inborn impatience makes these reminders unwelcome.  

Anticipation is powerful, whether for good or bad outcomes.  Optimism grows with anticipation of joy.  My optimism rides on a realistic forecast of when I expect to have side effects under control.  Why have a goal at all?  For me figuring out a reasonable timeline based on what I know gives me something to work towards.   Having an identified schedule gives the process more emotional credibility, carries it past wishful thinking.  I had set a plan for the beginning of winter 2019, very conservative at the outset, giving me room to succeed on a path where I have limited personal control.  I’ve passed that deadline.  I had thought to reschedule to May.  A dose reduction in February made spring seem realistic.  But some persistent problems and delays in access to medical care during the pandemic are pushing that out.  I don’t have enough information right now to come up with a new target for my anticipation.  I’m working on that, always happier with steps I can take.  

I’m not the only one to put plans on hold during the pandemic shut down.  It is so very hard to let go of plans we anticipated, joy and success in the future.  The unknown conclusion of this shut down makes this so much more difficult.  When will we be able to go out? Will we get the virus?  Will we still have jobs?  Will we be okay?  Will our friends and family all be with us still?  How much suffering will we witness even if it stays outside our own circle?   Big problems foisted on us by a powerful natural world and a significant population of ignorant and self-serving people, neither of which we can directly control.

The best I can do with longer term plans this spring is keep thinking on them until such time as they again become relevant.  So I’m making a collection of little plans, from simple preparations for lambing through finishing the front of the shop and bedroom renovations.  I may not complete or even get to the bigger projects, but I’ve learned to serenely relegate unnecessary tasks to the fuck it list.  Meanwhile the work and anticipation of the outcomes provide a welcome distraction, something to point anticipation in the right direction.  I’m working on Drum’s shed and trying to get John Henry trained up.  Should the trial season resume then I’ll pull my trial plans out of the closet.  Given that I sat out most of last year I will not focus on qualifying for nationals.  I plan to put aside my disappointment at having lost the trial season and nationals the only way I know how, replacing them with new plans and goals.  I plan to honor social distancing, playing my part both personally and as an example. 

May we all find new ways to anticipate each morning.

Go with your gut

Your gut is for eating, not thinking.

The “go with your gut” mantra glorifies emotional decisions.  Go with your gut gives you permission to be delightfully frivolous.  It also gives you permission to be selfish, fearful, and bigoted.  It allows you to blame everyone but yourself.  Go with your gut adds imagined credibility to arguments only because they reinforce your current view of the world.  It leaves you vulnerable to any speaker clever in the use of emotional hooks.  Go with your gut allows you to read past the holes in their argument, then fight to hold onto the conclusion all the more frantically when you are trying to stand on the pitted ground of imagined truths.

Sure there are places to go with your gut.  It is great for picking a puppy, choosing a color for your house, deciding what flavor of ice cream to enjoy. 

If the decision will have a serious impact on your life, the lives of loved ones, or the lives of any other living beings, please take the time to research the facts.  Please take the time to consider whether you may be discounting the validity of data because it you find that data uncomfortable.  Take the time to consider where you may be accepting of data because you want it to be true.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you all.  Thank you to the governors declaring a state of emergency so their states can better support the efforts to manage this pandemic.  Thank you to the mayors and local governments working hard to provide the necessary leadership and resources to get us through this crisis.  Thank you to the businesses setting up for staff to work from home.  Thank you to the companies offering free software and services to help organizations setup to function remotely.  Thank you to organizations cancelling events, often at great cost.   Thank you to the many individuals who are staying home, either because they understand the importance of slowing the transmission of this virus early, or because despite being unsure they are willing to make some personal sacrifice to save lives of people they have never met.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to the health care workers and scientists who are in overdrive trying to manage this public health crisis.

Every time I hear another closing, cancellation, state of emergency, individual saying they’ve decided to forego events or stay home altogether it reminds me that the human race is mostly comprised of decent people, capable people, and people who care.  In the vacuum of federal leadership there has been a swell of leadership from states, businesses, local governments, schools, churches, clubs, and from individuals who are determined to do the right thing.  People are awesome.  Thank you.