Season Changes

I’ve noticed that season changes bring reflection on where I am, where I was last year, and where I’m going.  Perhaps I have always done this, but it is a richer experience since my leukemia diagnosis last May.  Each new season changes the physical world, marking the passage of time in a way I cannot deflect.  My difficulty tolerating the medication coupled with my inborn impatience makes these reminders unwelcome.  

Anticipation is powerful, whether for good or bad outcomes.  Optimism grows with anticipation of joy.  My optimism rides on a realistic forecast of when I expect to have side effects under control.  Why have a goal at all?  For me figuring out a reasonable timeline based on what I know gives me something to work towards.   Having an identified schedule gives the process more emotional credibility, carries it past wishful thinking.  I had set a plan for the beginning of winter 2019, very conservative at the outset, giving me room to succeed on a path where I have limited personal control.  I’ve passed that deadline.  I had thought to reschedule to May.  A dose reduction in February made spring seem realistic.  But some persistent problems and delays in access to medical care during the pandemic are pushing that out.  I don’t have enough information right now to come up with a new target for my anticipation.  I’m working on that, always happier with steps I can take.  

I’m not the only one to put plans on hold during the pandemic shut down.  It is so very hard to let go of plans we anticipated, joy and success in the future.  The unknown conclusion of this shut down makes this so much more difficult.  When will we be able to go out? Will we get the virus?  Will we still have jobs?  Will we be okay?  Will our friends and family all be with us still?  How much suffering will we witness even if it stays outside our own circle?   Big problems foisted on us by a powerful natural world and a significant population of ignorant and self-serving people, neither of which we can directly control.

The best I can do with longer term plans this spring is keep thinking on them until such time as they again become relevant.  So I’m making a collection of little plans, from simple preparations for lambing through finishing the front of the shop and bedroom renovations.  I may not complete or even get to the bigger projects, but I’ve learned to serenely relegate unnecessary tasks to the fuck it list.  Meanwhile the work and anticipation of the outcomes provide a welcome distraction, something to point anticipation in the right direction.  I’m working on Drum’s shed and trying to get John Henry trained up.  Should the trial season resume then I’ll pull my trial plans out of the closet.  Given that I sat out most of last year I will not focus on qualifying for nationals.  I plan to put aside my disappointment at having lost the trial season and nationals the only way I know how, replacing them with new plans and goals.  I plan to honor social distancing, playing my part both personally and as an example. 

May we all find new ways to anticipate each morning.